hot coffee girl

Now that the weather is getting a little warmer, you will find many more 'Monters wandering around the 'hood. Scoops is getting more traffic, the Art Walks are drawing a bigger crowd, the parking becoming even more scarce. Ah, Spring has sprung in Cleveland's coolest neighborhood. Since I am not a winter person by ANY stretch of the imagination (I crawl in bed around Thanksgiving and emerge from under the warm covers about tax time), you can imagine my delight at not having to scrape my car off every morning. When engaged in such winter activity, I ask myself why I don't live somewhere a bit balmier.

Head due south of Cleveland, and about 1400 miles later, you will find yourself in the Conch Republic, or to those not familiar with the backstory of our Southernmost city, Key West. Here's the map to prove it. If you have ever had the good fortune to visit Bone Island, I'd be willing to bet that you are already dreaming of an ice cold mojito and stone crab. If you haven't, begin your vacation fund right now, and save some bank (you'll need it in this pricey little burg) to get there. It is simply a magical place. One of the reasons I decided to make Tremont my home when moving to Cleveland, however, were some similarities to my beloved Southern destination. Both are home to funky galleries, countless bars, and a cast of colorful characters. Both have some of the best food and drink around. Both have a pervasive, elusive quality and an air of mystique, rich in history and potential. Like the contest between Green Lantern and Superman, tough...who would win in a match between The Mont and the Conch? While these two superheros didn't fight all that often, as I can imagine Cleveland and Key West don't, it would be an event! Green Lantern's near limitless ring against Superman's equally limitless powers...How would the Burning River and the Gulf stack up? (For the sake of this battle, GL=KW, SM=C-Land.)

Weather

A no brainer. For starters, KW is the only frost free city in the Continental United States. A place where the average summer and winter temperature rarely differs more than 10 degrees is pretty friggin great when our Cleveland temperatures can swing 50 degrees inside of a 10 hour period. Prevailing trade-winds and sea breezes join forces to subdue the summer heat in Paradise, although I can attest to the fact that it is by no means a dry heat. (Spend a week there in August, and you will immediately know the true meaning of balmy. You constantly walk around with a layer of sweat.) Still, I have to give this one to Green.

Artists

Well, Superman has his ass kicked here, too. While Tremont's galleries are very cool, Green Lantern's Key West has a unique knack for attracting artists. At one time or another, Ernest Hemingway, Tennessee Williams, Elizabeth Bishop, John Ciardi, John Hersey, Richard Wilbur, Philip Caputo, Alison Lurie, James Merrill, and Thomas McGuane, Shel Silverstien, among many others, have called Key West home. More Pulitzer Prize winners have lived in Key West per capita than in any other city.

Cost of Living

Virtually everything on the Island has to be imported on a one-way truck. Add to that the desirability of island property and it is easy to understand why the cost of living is the highest in the state. With tourism as its only true economic base, and relatively low-paying tourism related jobs as the most common denominator, it is clear why many members of the working population hold two or more jobs in order to live in what they consider paradise. A visit to a realty site this morning told me that for an 1100 square foot condo in Old Town, I would need to gather the funds to foot the $890,000 mortgage. That translates to a payment of $7500 on a 30-year fixed, if you are keeping track. Monthly. Score one for Superman.

Government

Jeb Bush is the Governor. Enough said. One more for Superman.

Tourists

While Tremont brings a sizable crowd for the Art Walks and the many festivals, there are obviously no comparisons to the number of visitors to Key West. Now, depending on your perspective, this one could go either way. I am sure that if you owned a gallery or a shop here, you might love to see the level of traffic that our Southern opponent does. Although a visitor myself to the town, I have to say that you haven't really lived until you have seen some of the obnoxious pieces of shit that stumble their flabby, white, Hawaiian shirt-wearing, socks with sandaled asses off of the cruise ship. Since I am not a Cleveland business owner, Superman takes the lead.

Food and Drink

Tremont-Lolita's, Farenheight, 806, Parallax, Lava. Some of the best food and expertly prepared Martinis around. Key West-Stone Crab and Mojitos, Cuban sandwiches. Depending on your mood, either one wins. A dead tie.

Colorful Characters

Oooh...another tough one. Tremont-Happenstance, Me, the Big Balled Dog. Key West-Gold Elvis, six-toed cats, the Guy Who Eats Fire. For it's lack of good quality Drag shows, I have to say that Cleveland takes the loss here. No disrespect to the Big Balled Dog. Or Snogash.

Flora and Fauna

While there are some that will extol the virtues of the beautiful fall colors in Northeastern Ohio, I have to say that the changing of the seasons is a little overrated for me. With some of the most beautiful colors you can imagine growing all around you, this one, too, goes to Green Lantern.

Natural Disasters

Already having mentioned that Jeb Bush is Govenor, the Conch Republic has an even greater potential for natural disasters. Under a more or less constant threat of hurricanes from June to November, the tornado season seems like a cake walk. Superman racks another point.

Which means we are all tied up. It's the bottom of the ninth, there are two outs...oh, wait-mixed my metaphors. Back to the superheros. When Superman went up against Green Lantern, he fought the good fight. But my end, Green created a planet of Kryptonite, and it was the Man of Steel who took the fall. As go our DC characters, so goes this geographical battle. Key West's Kryptonite is not a planet, however, but a Star.

If you wake up early enough (or stay awake late enough), you can watch the sun rise over the Atlantic Ocean.

Later in the day, walk about a mile and a half down Duval Street, and you can see that very same orb set over the Gulf.

And, that, my Good Friends is truly something.

But before you Marvel at the beauty, remember that in comics, as in life...Conchs and 'Monters can join forces to bring a League of Justice to this world by fighting against the Evil Blandness of Suburbian Hell...

We'll talk over Thanksgiving Dinner.