Sometimes you have to look backward to move forward.
Cliche? Absolutely. True? Yup.
I am in a place right now that is less than ideal. I wish I wasn’t here, but I am. I can blame it on a million things, but the one thing I can’t make excuses for is for leaving it behind. All of it. The shit that I put myself through every day is unacceptable to me, yet I don’t do anything about it but make myself feel worse.
That stops now.
It’s not as simple as flipping a switch. I have a long road ahead of me to do the things I know that I should truly be doing. But neither is it as complicated as I make things out to be.
I was talking with someone this morning, and I said about a good friend, “I love her, and I think she really likes me too”. He replied, “Most people like you...save one.” I responded, “Who doesn’t like me?!”
Ouch. That was a rough one to hear and even rougher to know that it’s true. I have been suffering from such a major clinical depression for so long that I spend all of my energy hiding from other people. Putting on a mask so no one knows my dirty little secret. How very tears of a clown.
But as I talked to another friend this morning (the one I said I absolutely loved), she said something to me that hit me like a ton of bricks. “Who are you to decide that millions of people don’t get to hear your voice?” I have been coming up with every excuse in the proverbial book (that I don’t write) to ... well, not write. Not share my real voice with people. That part is the one that I have to take responsibility for, that I can’t blame on the depression. Hell, most writers are either drunk or depressed or both. I’ll fit right in.
I have led an extraordinary life. I have lit Snoop Dogg’s blunts. I have posed naked with 3,000 people in public. I jump in the lake every year on New Year’s Day. I have had some amazing people who have called me friend or lover. I have been published in a real live book you can buy in the bookstore. I am blessed with a wonderful family. I paint, I knit, and I try to bring beauty into everything I do.
I have some shit to say. And by god, you’re going to listen.